I spent a lot of my life waiting to be certain.
I waited for the “burning bush” moment in so many areas: career, relationships, and big decisions in general.
Me, waiting for certainty. Let’s be honest though, I didn’t really look this peaceful.
Take for example, the decision to have a child.
This is arguably the BIGGEST decision that a person can make in life – definitely not one to take lightly, right?
And wow, a burning bush moment in answer to this question woulda been great! Like a lightning bolt striking me, I longed for a booming voice from the heavens giving me clarity and certainty:
“Yes, Melissa – have a child!” or “no, Melissa, refrain from procreating!”
But I didn’t get that.
I didn’t hear a booming voice or have lightning strike or even feel particularly certain.
I didn’t even know if the choice was mine to make, since so many don’t get the biological option to have kids at all. I just knew I had the question but I didn’t really have an answer, and I was nearing the end of my physical grace period to figure it out. (Though I have a patient and open-minded partner, ye old biological clock means this big question does have a pretty obvious timer attached to it.)
How was I to proceed with such a perilous, ginormous, and ticking time bomb of a decision?
How could I take a step when both roads could be totally right or totally wrong—when I could imagine BOTH versions of life being wonderful AND alternately terrible?
Cue the dramatic music that accompanies this “analysis to paralysis.”
Imagine me dying a slow death at this crossroads, questioning the rightness or wrongness of my decision until my last breath. This bedraggled and tortured version of me grabs the collar of the attending nurse at my deathbed, croaking out something like “why aren’t my kids here?” and that nurse either says “because you don’t have any” or “it’s me, mom” or, ya know – choose your own end-of-life adventure here!
Ugh, actually, let’s not picture that – because thankfully I didn’t stay at the crossroads.
Spoiler alert: I had a baby. Most of you know that already.
I decided to venture down the parenting path and was lucky enough to get the option. Matilda is silly and squishy and wonderful. And though she’s not even six months old (and becoming a mom is literally the hardest thing I’ve ever done) I’m completely and totally sure that this was the right road.
But here’s the thing: I actually have total faith that had I decided NOT to have a baby, or if for whatever reason (biological or otherwise) it hadn’t happened, then THAT would have been the “right” road too.
Neither decision was right or wrong: it was simply a decision.
A step.
And it’s in taking steps (even in the midst of uncertainty) that I’ve been able to circumvent that waiting which kept me stuck for years.
I’ve learned that thoughtful consideration and reflection is great, but you also just have to take an action.
You take a gander at the evidence, say a prayer, and look within for the next right thing/decision/step.
But let’s stop there for a sec, because what does looking within actually mean? What if you “look within” and you’re still just as hollow and confused as you were before?
Wouldn’t it be cool if instead of that pithy “looking within” we just had someone we totally trusted and looked up to that could ALWAYS help us make these big and ginormous and scary decisions?
I always wished I had a wiser, older, more realized version of me to turn to when confused. She’s always just ahead of me on my path, and I can follow her footprints in the snow instead of being afraid that I could fall through the ice at any moment.
That would be nice, right?
Here’s the thing, though: we all TOTALLY have that person.
We ALL have a higher self/inner guide/Wise-One-Within (WOW) that can totally help us make those big decisions.
Me. You. Your mom. 😊
The key is to “look within” and shine a light on that higher self.
How, though?
Here are some tangible tools I use to find my own Wise One Within when I have to make a big scary decision:
Journaling: Free writing, stream of consciousness, Morning Pages type journaling. How? You literally sit down with a pen and notebook and write 3 pages (no less) of WHATEVER comes to mind. If you do it long enough your conscious mind gets tired and your subconscious WOW has a chance to break the surface. This is what author Anne Lamott calls “cleaning the toilet” of the mind – and when you get the pipes of your conscious mind cleaned, underneath that is your higher self/Wise One Within looking to guide you. But keep in mind, you ARE cleaning the mind toilet – you need to let whatever (shit) that might want to come to the surface come out.
Visualization: when faced with a huge decision, truly try to imagine yourself on either path. If you choose the path of X, what do you think your days will look like? Who will you interact with? What will you be doing? What will you wear, eat, spend money on? Get as specific as you can in your mind’s eye. When you do this you can then ask yourself…how do I FEEL in this vision of my life? You’ll likely be having a gut reaction to one of those directions. Then it’s just being brave enough to admit it and choose one path to set out on. If you have trouble visualizing (“I really don’t know what that path will look like!”) talk to (or read about) someone who took one of these potential roads, then imagine yourself in their shoes. How does this feel on a gut level?
Stillness: I know, I know – you “aren’t the meditating type” and you’re too busy/distracted/constipated to try it. Trust me, most people say the exact same thing – but meditation is truly one of those secret Super Mario Brother portals to another world, and it’s the world of your smartest and most assured self. Getting quiet (even just for five minutes a day) can build a muscle that creates a space. What’s in that space? The voice of your WOW – not aaaaall the other voices of friends/family/society/fear. Taking time to create stillness every day makes the space for your WOW to show up bigger and bigger. Trust me, it’s worth it – even if you’re constipated.
Talk to someone: Talking can do a few things: help us make sense of ping-ponging thoughts, open us up to the support or guidance of another, and allow us to feel less alone. Talking to friends, family, and a support system can do wonders for clearing the heart and mind -I’d be lost without my tribe. But talking to a professional is a HUGE game changer when it comes to finding our Wise One Within. That’s because a professional is removed *enough* from our lives that they’re able to hear us without worrying FOR us, they’re not trying to protect us and our feelings, and they’re not worried about how an action we take might affect them and their life. (This is exactly what I do as a coach– through these tactics and more, I help people dig out their WOW and go through life with their own personal and badass inner guide –so if you want help with that hit me up.)
Ask for HELP: Whether you call it God, Source Energy, Universal Intelligence, Higher Power, or The Big Gal – I mean ask for Help with a capital H. I know the G-word can be pretty loaded and come with LOTS of baggage for many of us – and this is far too big a subject to unpack in this little paragraph – but if you can latch onto the magical, wondrous, and open hearted part of you that knows there are Bigger Forces at play (bigger than our teeny little human brains can fathom) you can ride the coattails of those forces to some huge and miraculous life changes. If you ask that Energy for help I guarantee that the same Energy will bring some people/ideas/events into your life that actually DO help you make a decision. Go ahead and try it. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Sweat: Put on C+C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now and get down on it. Something about dancing like a crazy person from a 90’s montage gets my own inner guide riled up and ready to make some big girl decisions. You can change the song (or the sweat inducing activity) but I highly recommend shaking up your nervous system and then just plopping down and seeing if you feel clearer on direction. I bet you will.
Phew! These are just a few tools to come back to again and again, rather than waiting for an epiphany that may never come. I lay them at your feet in hopes that you too will benefit, or at least have some fun dancing to some funky fresh beats.
But seriously: finding your own inner guide and not waiting on epiphanies allows you to actually live life, rather than think/dream/plan the life you could have if you only knew which direction to go.
Not waiting for an epiphany means realizing that decisions, especially big ones, are usually not clearly black/white or good/bad judgment calls.
Good decisions are simply those made with care and intention: bad decisions are made from fear, or worse, they’re decisions you’re too scared to make at all.
Now there’s an epiphany
I might not have met this adorable baby if I’d waited for an epiphany. And sure, the alternative path would have been exactly the right one too – but I’m real glad that I ventured down this one.
Xo,
Melissa
PS: If you’re into talking about purpose, storytelling, and learning some cool stuff about life check out my new podcast. 😊
It’s called “Follow Your Fire: Thoughts on Life, Work, and Purpose” and it explores the inspirational and entertaining accounts of people who have found answers to the ginormous question of “what should I do with my life?”
Incorporating research, humor, and the magic of storytelling, listen as people recount the things that have made a difference, things that they regret, and the hard-won wisdom gleaned on a path to the work, purpose, and life that they actually want to live.
From the young to the old, the traditional to the kooky – figuring out how to live the life you’re given is easier when you don’t feel alone in your wandering.
Listen to the pilot episode here
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Get your 90’s groove on here